2001-12-29T19:23:00.000-05:00

What's it like to be confident? I don't know, I've always wondered that. The best kind of confidence must be when you're like 5 and the whole world bows down to you because you have the best toy or something. And you're just parading around the playground and everyone wants to play with you. That must be the life. Sadly, I don't remember it. I wish I did.

I walk around the world never really sure of anything. I don't know how people see me. It'd be ok if I didn't care. But I do. It's kinda pathetic, really. I don't know how people will react to something I may potentially do. Sometimes that makes me second guess myself. Should I be doing this? Would people thing I'm weird? More often than not, I'll do it. Sometimes I won't. I hate always wondering if people genuinely like me...or if they just find me to be a pest. What if I'm doing something wrong? What if I could be doing something else? Why am I acting this way? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so weird? Why, why, why?

I want to know what it's like to walk around and not care. I want to know what it's like to have that air about you...that assuredness, that aura where everyone looks at you and envies you because you have it. You have the thing that everyone wants, but no one really knows how to get.

See, I know this girl and she has it. And she's always happy, always so sure about life. And that attracts people. She's not gorgeous, not really even pretty. But she's intelligent as all hell and just an all-around great person. Plus, of course, she has it, and that makes her beautiful. That's what I want. To be beautiful. Because I know I'm not physically beautiful. I mean, ok, I'm cute, but not beautiful. And I'm not happy with myself, mostly physically, so I don't exude beauty. Really, I don't think I exude anything. But physically beauty is not to be had. But this kind of beauty. The it beauty. That I'm sure I can obtain. To just have it. But I don't know how to get there. Well, no, I probably do know how to get there, but I don't want to be there yet, because I'm still so unhappy with myself. Ok, I'm talking in circles now. I think I'll stop.

2001-12-29T19:19:00.000-05:00

I want a family that will celebrate Christmas. With a tree and decorations and a big Christmas dinner, getting up at 5am to open presents, actually getting presents that are a surprise and wrapped and everything. That would be nice. That's what my family is going to be like. I don't expect perfection, nothing like that, but I want these things to happen. I hope they do.

There's all these things I'm so unhappy about, which, I guess, is why I named this "just to be happy..." 'cause that's what I want to be. But I'm plagued by so much doubt and disappointments. I just want 1. to lose 40 lbs 2. to get into a college in D.C. 3. to have my best friend back. Is that too much to ask? I thought so.

2001-12-29T19:15:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I had another blog, but it got messed up, so I'm starting from scratch. Most likely I'll be reposting my past blogs. Thank god there was only two before blogger got hacked into. Bleh. I hate starting over.